This was a question posted on Twitter a while back and I’ve seen a few people ask it now and then all around. I thought I’d give my answer here. This obviously is not exhaustive or a professional opinion; just my thoughts.
Making friends as an adult is not easy. Heck, making friends as a kid isn’t easy. Yet, ahhh yes, yet. Yet, it can be as simple as sitting next to the right person and then suddenly you’ve got a new best friend. It can seem like making friends is a magical, random act the universe creates; much like the Big Bang or life crawling out of primordial ooze. I personally don’t think it’s as bad as that. Can it be magical? Absolutely! Random? Sometimes. Once in a galactic timeline phenomena? Not so much. For this post I will be talking about making friends IRL in real life. This is not to say friends outside of face to face are not real friends just that this will be my focus in this post.
While making friends can be difficult, it’s really not all that hard. It takes some getting out of your comfort zone. Here are some things I think it takes to make friends as an adult.
#1. Get Out of the House
Getting out of the house is crucial to making friends. Making friends while just staying at home is very difficult. Not only because finding people is difficult but because you don’t get to see or show as much of people and yourself.
Get out of the house. Go places. Do things. Now you may wonder where do you go? Go places you would want to go. Do things you’d regularly do or things you want to do. What about going with people? Well that is okay too. Yes, you can make friends while being out with friends and you can make friends by yourself. The thing about friendship and making friends is that it is a mix of intention and instinct, a purposeful randomness.
#2. Talk to People
It’s really hard to be friends with people if you don’t talk to them. So yes, once you meet them, you have to talk to them. This isn’t as hard as it may seem. You don’t need a full on conversation, at first, to talk to someone. Small talk will do. I’ve seen various variations of ‘I don’t want small talk, let’s discuss the deep things in life’ on social media. If I don’t know who you are, why would I care about what you think about deep issues? I don’t want to know your personal history or to go over your childhood traumas if we just met. Small talk is a way to get to know someone. To get a general feel for them. To check out their vibe. Also, it can be a way to just pass some time. Not everyone you meet or interact with is friendship material. Acquaintances can be good too.
#3. Have places you do 1 & 2 regularly
You know when you go somewhere and someone walks in and the people there know the guy’s name, know her favorite drink, just seem genuinely glad to see that person? Yeah. That’s somebody that goes to that place regularly. A regular, even. Is that person friends with the workers? Maybe, maybe not, the point is they are seen as friendly and they have people they associate with in a friendly way. When you are seen as friendly and associate with people in a friendly way it is easier to actually make friends. And you don’t have to go to a place with the intention of making friends with staff or anything, just be friendly. Smile, say hello.
Now you may be asking, “How is going to the grocery store every week going to get me friends?” And it might not, directly. I mean you could be standing in line and talking to the cashier and end up talking to someone in line and boom best friends but yeah not likely. What you will do is build up friendly habits. You have a ready made, captive audience in which you can easily be friendly to and will be at least cordial back to you. Making friends like everything else is easier with practice. What you want to do is put yourself in a place and position for friendships to happen. If you have trouble making friends the easiest way for that to happen is to become friends with a person who finds it easy to make friends. Those people are usually hanging out with friends so to meet them you have to be at a place where friends hang out and you can naturally be introduced.
In the end making friends is all about being a friend. The best way to make a friend is to be a friend. Be the kind of person you’d want to hang out with, be the kind of person other people want to hang out with. Want to be friends with someone? Ask them. Do things friends do. Think about what you want from a friendship. What are you willing to put in it to get that? What are you expecting from the other person(s)? Evaluate those expectations from yourself and others and see if they’re realistic. Can you do that? Can and will other people do that? If not reprioritize. If so, go and do them. Making friends is both hard and not so hard. It’s a matter of will and luck. You never know who you might bump into and come together, but you’ve got to do the bumping to ever find out.
A few posts that you might like that are related to this are:
Dating Is Hard – A post I wrote on how hard it is dating these days.
Being An Ally – A post on how to be a good ally to a friend.
Tiffany is stuck at home during the summer because of the pandemic. She can’t see her boyfriend and a girl has needs. Sexting can only satisfy so much. Her old high school friend is home from school; maybe she can help keep the boredom away. Hmmm. Boyfriend and girl friend? Things could get interesting. Who doesn’t like surprises, especially when they’re shared between friends?
A Shared Surprise is an erotic short story that explores what happens when a secret is exposed. Hot, steamy and explicit. Enjoy A Shared Surprise now.
The Author Stew webpage - Stories & Poems 