Out Like A Lamb

In like a lion
Wild and roaring jungle cat
Leave purring kitten

Yesterday it was snowing. Literally blowing cold flakes of nearly frozen water on my face.

Today? Today, I’m literally sweating just sitting outside.

“Hot enough for you?”

“Haha. Yeah,” I say and go back to my phone.

“Hot enough to sweat the balls off a bear.”

“Ha.”  Okay mister. Keep walking. We said our pleasantries. I don’t know you, you don’t know me. That’s the way it’s meant to be. Have a nice day and move on.

“You know what that would be, don’t you?”

I’m not looking up. Keep looking at my phone and he’ll go away.

“Lubricated ball BEARings. Ha! Ha!”

Grin and nod. Don’t talk or else he’ll –

“You know it’s going to snow again on Friday,” he announces as if uncovering some great unknown fact.

“F***,” I mutter. I have plans for Friday.

“Oh, no thank you! Don’t swing that way my friend,” he says, chuckling and waving his arms.

I look up at him. Are you serious? I am about to get up and head inside but no. This is my yard and if I want to enjoy one of the first good weather days we’ve had in weeks I’m not  letting some loon chase me off my own yard. 

I look back down at my phone; pointedly ignoring the man on the sidewalk.

“Did you know I had a cat?” 

No I didn’t. And I could go on living my life perfectly well without that knowledge.

“Freaky little bugger. It would smile at you and then bite your ankle.”

Probably trying to get you to shut up.

“Called him Chester; Chester Hadder. On a count my last name is Hadder and it was my cat.”

Uh huh. Because if it was someone else’s cat, calling him Hadder would just be a little crazy huh? Move! Keep walking Mister Hadder.

“Yeah, if it wasn’t my cat, calling him Chester Hadder would just be stupid wouldn’t it? Haha. Like if it belonged to Mr. Smith and you called him Chester Hadder when his name was really Chester Smith, that would make you look like a real idiot. Obviously, it should be Chester Smith. What if he belonged to Ms. Drawers? Then he’d be Mr. Chester Drawers. Ha! Ha! Ms Drawers’ Chester Drawers!”

The guy is nearly giving himself a giggling fit. Maybe I should go inside after all. I’m not sure this guy is all there. Even though he sure as hell is there in front of my house. 

“Anyway, turns out Chester wasn’t a him after all. So we called her Maddie. But I think she preferred Chester.”

Okay F it. I’m going inside. I don’t need this – 

“Well gotta go. Don’t want to be late. Enjoy the heat. Don’t sweat your bear balls off. Or you’ll lose your ball bearings!  Hahaha!”

I don’t need sun. I don’t care if he is leaving. I’m going inside! I’m going to have some tea, maybe a little cake. I get up and walk inside leaving Hadder standing on the sidewalk in front of my house.

“Well don’t look at me,” says Hadder. “I don’t know why he got so mad. If he were a relative of mine he’d be a mad Hadder but he’s not. He’s a mad whomever. Or just mad. Call him Mad. But not Maddie. Maddie’s my cat. But she likes to be called Chester. You know If everybody minded their own business, the world would go around a great deal faster than it does.¹ I’m late, I’m late. Gotta run. Make sure to like this if you liked this. Ta-ta.”

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1- From Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Caroll

This is for dVerse prompt: Write a haibun that alludes to the Mad March Hare. I hope you enjoyed. 😁